Excerpt of a conversation submitted for your consideration by Westminster Pancakes plc, shared as per the standard breakfast table-service agreement 2025. Flagged for Shower Master Power Update fix v9.563. Flagged for possible gym membership violation, law update pending.
Returning customer 57934/b4 Flo Kennedy – regular table – mid tier
Returning customer 46112/r2 Judith Taco – guest table – high tier
<Americano>
<Skinny Latte>
<Wheat Pouch>
<Skinny Forest Pancake Singles>
I’ve had the most terrible morning, Judith. I got a notification from the shower that our hand soap refill order frequency has been delayed because we are apparently not washing as much as we did last month. I get this notification as I am in the shower, staring at my almost-empty hand soap bottle.
It sticks to the sides.
I know and we rinse like you’re supposed to.
Doesn’t work and it still sticks to the sides.
It still sticks to the sides and the little sensor that knows when you’re running low doesn’t think you’re running low because there’s soap on the sides. I am thinking of changing brands.
Nightmare.
But now I can’t change brands because I’m waiting on our new order frequency change confirmation notification, which you have to know before you can submit a brand change proposal. So, I’m lathering up with shampoo to save on hand soap and I get another notification on the wall from the house coach, letting me know that I qualify for a rebate because our water use is down.
So you’re using less water, but more soap?
It’s insane. How are they not talking to each other?
You should change your settings, how are you getting household notifications in the shower? That’s legal-you-time.
Oh, it’s already set to one green note max. The water saver counts as an orange because it’s something the company owes you.
No wonder I’ve never seen an orange!
They are legally obliged to let you know within four hours of a rebate, so that’s why it’s orange. I confirm receipt and through the shampoo in my eyes I can see there’s another notification waiting.
<order#563 arrives within agreed SLA>
You get more done in the shower than most people do in a whole morning, you know that?
It’s a red.
Red? [redacted under the family-restaurant out of hours obscenity act 2022]
The red notification is from Sam’s lawyer. It says that they are sorry to inform me that most changes in water usage are caused by a change in routine and that, as my geo data confirms that my routine has not changed, they are filing a pre-emptive divorce strike.
So, because,
Because Sam isn’t using the shower as much, it looks like Sam’s showering elsewhere.
Elsewhere, like someone else’s house?
Elsewhere, like a dirty, bitcoin motel.
Data says divorce?
Data has triggered a pre-emptive divorce clause.
Did you know Sam had a pre-emptive divorce clause?
Who reads contracts?
I’m checking mine now.
So, I’m crying and I’ve soap in my eyes,
Shampoo in your eyes, right,
And Sam on the other wall explaining to me that it’s just a glitch and the new gym that Sam’s registering at hasn’t completed the onboarding process, which is why my house is divorcing me at 8.30 in the morning.
What are you going to do?
I’ve raised a ticket.
Damn right you have.
I could brick that shower, honestly.
Oh, don’t, Our toaster got bricked the other week.
That is brutal.
One of the kids pushed the ‘automatically install all updates’ button.
Oh no.
Don’t think they meant to. I almost raised a ticket. In the end I socialed the toaster people and now they’re raising a ticket for me.
You can raise your own ticket.
That’s what I told them. And my kids are eating bread.
Ugh, bread.
<Americano>
Did you ever think that maybe Sam is having an affair?
<Pancake Choco Singles>
I don’t know. Gyms are run by crazy powerful AIs. Can’t imagine how you’d get one to lie for you.
True.
Their gym AI membership schemes are so complicated, have you ever tried getting out of one?
It’s impossible. You can’t.
I’ve booked an induction at Sam’s gym.
Good plan.
In your name.
What?! I can’t double-gym.
Kidding, I used my maiden name.
I am not doing gym fraud with you.
No, I checked, I can do an anonymous free trial without breaking contract and bring one anonymous free guest. We can go, skip the induction and wait in the cafe, see if Sam actually turns up to the gym.
We can’t go looking like this.
That’s why we’re getting new haircuts, new clothes, I still have access to Sam and my joint account.
Why am I getting a new haircut?
Because you’re my friend,
Not if you get me barred from my gym I’m not.
And my shower is making me paranoid and I need you to help me out.
By doing gym fraud.
We’re not doing gym fraud.
I’m not doing gym fraud, you’re doing gym fraud.
<order#569 arrives within agreed SLA>
You have got to stop saying gym fraud.
(Shuddering) G-g-g-gym fraud.
<ticket raised to check if under-table air-con was malfunctioning or if stuttering was for comic effect – pending>
I’m not afraid of a pancake restaurant.
Says you, whose shower bricked their relationship an hour ago.
That’s not funny.
Bit funny.
Do you want a free haircut or not?
Hair fraud!
<unintelligible laughter>
These pancakes are the best.
They are the finest chocolate-not-chocolate pancakes on this street.
<comments auto-posted – flagged for vid-ad campaign #real people real food>
How’s things with you? How was last night?
Date night is always a good night. Let the Brands do the cooking and we’ll do the [redacted under the family-restaurant out of hours obscenity act 2022]
<unintelligible laughter>
<bill instapaid>
<drone dispatched with doggy bag>
<end report>